Your Existential Buddy
Parasite Chan
I created this little worm several years ago, and only recently when I had a full
Existential Meltdown ™ did I fully know what I really wanted to do with its design.
There have been many types of Ahriman and noodle-with-an-eye designs in the world, and as a Final Fantasy fan there is no doubt I created this yokai looking fiend out of some sort of nostalgia.
But this one is special. It's a symbiotic parasite that is here to be your friend.
I want you to know that you are not alone, and you can come here whenever you are feeling scared and I'll do my best to update this page often with things we've learned to help get us through these jarring moments of existential dread.
Parasite Chan's Diet
Your adopted parasite exists off of one thing! your intrusive thoughts about death, the universe, and the meaning of life!
My therapist told me once that the moment you become aware and cultivate the intrusive thoughts, they will never really go away, but you do learn to handle them very well and can even begin to enjoy them one day.
Especially with the help of your new parasite! It feeds off the terrible things we think and transforms those concepts into energy for the world! Isn't that nice?
Resources that can cultivate the symbiotic relationship between you and your new parasite friend.
(Books)
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
(Films)
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty'
Everything Everywhere All At Once
Fight Club
-Pep talk for the impending or ongoing existential panic-
Firstly, no, this feeling is not forever. Whenever our minds and spirits process intense thoughts and concepts, it is a sign we are growing mentally. The pain you feel from this process is strengthening you in the same way that muscles ache when you exercises them.
Why its going to be okay
Don't you just hate it when people only say "its going to be okay"
Well, here is the why.
It feels like you are breaking, and it can get very very difficult to handle this particular growing pain. You are more than likely very intellectual. People who think more than others almost always go through this phase. You need to remember that during this time it is important to take care of your body while your mind continues to grow. You are not really breaking, you are just handling something very intense and until you grow accustomed to the changes, its going to feel impossible.
Think of all the times something that was normal felt impossible or daunting before, where it felt like it couldn't possibly be normal, and remember that you eventually came to understand it better and handle it.
How Long Until I Can Handle It?
Its going to be gradual, so you need to learn first and foremost how to be proud of yourself for the small steps. This is like getting a new brain entirely.
Existential dread and intrusive thoughts are going to be around and stick with you until you accept and embrace it. You have to literally let go and stop fighting it.
Even then, don't keep telling yourself "I should be over this already"
It takes a long while to learn who you are again from this new stage. You will not be the same person, you will be so much more. It doesn't feel like that I know. It feels like you are losing everything.
I promise you are not! It's a lot like nuclear fusion. Imagine everything you have loved and cared for in your life as molecules and particles, and now they are swirling around and colliding and forming a new thing entirely. It's actually made up of your current self, memory, and thoughts.
You are forming a new version of your mind out of the old one, and if you let it do its thing and don't fight it, it will evolve into something you definitely want to be.
How long it takes depends on how well you let go.
I fought it, really hard. So I'm still in my existential fight. It's been two years for me since I started working on it and actually letting go.
It gets better each day very slowly, so even though its been two years. I am still improved from where I started.
Things Not to Worry About Right Now
Social Fears
You do not owe anyone an explanation and this point in your life is so much more important than social obligation. They will get over it. Take the time and space you need to get through this stage!
Therapy
Yes, you do need to do the breathing exercises you know.
If you don't already have a therapist, now is probably not the time to force yourself into a search for one. So know that any worry about the trial and error in finding the right one, is valid.
Stress Hurting Your Body
Bro, we are so built to handle this. The thing that made me feel better constantly worrying and putting myself into hypochondriacal fits, was the realization that humanity has literally survived all the way up to MY LIFE with way worse problems and stress.
There are holocaust victims that lived to their nineties and are happy and providing insight and advice on how to see hope and light in a dark world by allowing our minds to process and grow. They had chronic and life threatening illness and PTSD from what they experienced and still came out of it with a positive belief system. We can definitely get through this, we are evolutionarily made to go through a phase of mental rearrangement.
You probably are wondering regularly the same things I did, things like:
-my body is aching from tensing and its going to cause organ failure
-my digestion is fucked up from the stress and its going to cause organ failure
-I can't think very well anymore, I am going to develop dementia
-My heart is racing too much and its going to cause organ failure
-My hair is going white, the stress is aging me 50 years
Good news! none of that is actually true and I have three ER trips to prove it. (Feel free to go to the ER anyways, peace of mind helps.) (If you are in America and aren't afraid to battle or ignore the debt still you can go.)
Don't forget that If humans of the past were able to handle the stress of war, plague, uncertainty, and a lifespan of only up to 30....then imagine what kind of advantages we have stored in our very DNA.
Religion
If you are not religious and this existential dread is making you wish you were, I would personally skip this journey for now, it will only add confusion as different religions you find will battle for your soul so they can rescue you with what they believe is true.
If you are already religious, then I really don't think there is harm in centering yourself in your belief. Just be sure to have an open mind as you journey through your mental rearrangement and do not be harsh on yourself if you come to analyze and question your beliefs. Its normal to do so, and it does not mean you will lose your spirituality.
